Trading doubt in myself for the fear of the Lord.

Doubt. Fear. Questioning.

As I sat there holding my new nephew, I was hit with an onslaught of negative emotions causing the tears to fall down my cheeks. In my arms, my nephew sighed contently, blissfully unaware of the turmoil that was suddenly raging through my heart and my mind.

Was I actually good enough to make this my career? I’m not good enough. I’m going to make a fool of myself, embarrass all of those who have stuck their neck out as a reference for me and my work. What was I thinking taking this on?

With each tear that fell, I felt the fear rising up again and again like waves crashing against the security walls surrounding my confidence.

Where this came from is clear enough. Satan hates dreams. His are selfish and solely focused on dominations and destruction, through any means necessary. Dreams that God gives us are in direct conflict with Satan’s schemes. The dreams that come from God are those that don’t serve to uplift that individual, but make tremendous impact on the Kingdom of God. They are selfless and never self-promoting. They focus on God and His wonder and glory. They are a form of worship.

My fears were regarding my dream of being a professional writer and speaker. I found myself scared of being made to look a fool despite my assurance that this desire was given to me by God.

So I did what I do in times like these; I wrote. I wrote my prayer—the cry of my heart. I wrote this post—a processing mechanism to empty my brain from the roller coaster of emotions and thoughts.

This—writing—is my God-given method of processing and worshiping. This is my dream, coming alive with each letter that is typed, each post that is published, each heart that is affected by the sharing of my story.

If the fear of the Lord is my strength, I need not fear anything else.

“The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?” (Psalm 27:1 ESV)

I can have this assurance because I know without a shadow of doubt that I am a child of God. I was chosen and created for a specific purpose. The process of refinement can be tedious, but the end result is the culmination of my dream: that God be glorified through my life.

We all have this assurance. Nothing can separate us from God’s love. That love which surpassed even supernatural limitations when God sent His son to live a perfect life and then serve as the intercessory for all of mankind. The penalty has been paid in full and by the blood of Christ Jesus, we have been saved and can now be called children of God.

All that we are, all that we long to be, is by the grace of God alone. Through His love. Through His mercy. Through His sacrifice.

My fear is built on lies from the pit of hell. My self-doubt is Satan’s attempts to sideline me from all that God has called me to do—for the glory of His Kingdom.

  • What fears do you find yourself dealing with, and sometimes succumbing to?
  • Knowing that your identity is built in Jesus, what confidence can you take to stand strong on the dreams that God has given you?

Attacks against identity

I am up to my ears in edits and self-doubt.  I want to submit my manuscript next week, but every time I read through it, I find something new to change (shift, reword, delete).  My mind races with all of the possibilities of “what if.”

What if no one buys it?

What if the people that do buy it are disappointed and never want to buy another one of my books again?

What if I fail?

Yesterday was an extremely trying day of doubts.  While trying to take honest critique and improve, I found myself wallowing in my own self pity before any of my writing has even had a chance to garner the negative impact I was subconsciously bracing for.  I want to grow and improve, but I also want people to like me (yes, even I can be a people pleaser in certain areas of my life).

What I was wanting to hear was an assurance of my skills, but what I needed to hear was an assurance of my identity.

Who am I?  Well, I’m a daughter, a sister, a wife, and a mom.  I’m an avid Gator fan and a 5th generation Floridian.  I’m a writer and a wannabe foodie.  But more than anything, I am a daughter of the King.

My self-doubt wasn’t because I think I’m a terrible writer.  I think I write jumbled thoughts that often times need to be unraveled, but I think I have good things to say.  If I truly believed I was terrible, I wouldn’t waste my time and money to pursue my dream of being a successful author.  My self-doubt was because in those moments, I forgot that my worth is not built upon my job.  My worth is built upon my identity.

Satan likes to attack us in a number of ways.  Temptation can take the shape of anything.  Desire for money or esteem.  Longing for companionship. Belief that we aren’t pretty enough or smart enough or good enough.  But the real challenge is recognizing that all of those attacks and temptations are rooted in one thing: getting you to forget that you are so incredibly valuable that Jesus took the form of man, lived a perfect life, and then died a horrendous death to pay the penalty for you.

What I do is relative, but who I am is monumentally life changing.

Even if I fail, I am not a failure because God works all things “for the good of those who are called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28)  The Bible is full of “failings” that God was able to redeem for His glory.  Who am I to doubt what the power of God can do through my own life when I have the faith enough to believe?

Matthew 19:26 says, “With God ALL THINGS are possible.”  I just need to remember and trust that.  I am not working for man.  I am not writing for man.  I am surrendering my hopes and dreams and greatest desires to the will of God, knowing that His will is to bless me.

Who am I?  I am a daughter of the King of the universe, Author of creation, and Savior of my soul.  I am His, and I believe that I am solely who HE says I am.  Forever.